A year since I last ate Mac and Cheese

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog about myself. I think it’s about time that I should.

Although I would and could not write everything that’s on my mind, most especially the things that upset me now, at the very least I will write “like” a “preview” of my thoughts and my personal life.

First, I’d like to say that it’s been a year. It’s been a year since one of the biggest revelations in my life happened. What can I say? I live a simple life. Simple enough that I had never any huge problems (well ofcourse until January 7th 2010). It caused me to loose 10 pounds in less than a month. If you want to loose weight, my tip is to create a problem that won’t let you sleep and make you lose your appetite. That is what I did. It’s been a year since I last ate Mac and Cheese due to that problem. An issue that made my trust issues in people a lot worse. It made me think if I really should follow my instincts. I can’t tell you what it is actually about (which basically means this blog is nonsense), oh bother! I know I really shouldn’t be mad of the accomplice but of the actual culprit but what can I do? – Let’s just say my heart gets in the way.

Moving forward, my trust issues and that thing that happened a year ago made me rethink (once again) of some people who I thought, thought about me as family. I mean, I’m not a TOUCHY-FEELY person (and I would like to emphasize that in caps lock!) and I don’t hold hands with another girl (nor with my mom) or even for the sake of taking pictures and pretend that “we’re all good”. Ugh! It’s so hard to tell you what it’s all about and yet not to tell at the same time!

Okay, so here it goes: I have people, acquaintances, and friends in my life who may think that I’m a rigid robot who doesn’t have feelings at all because I refuse to hold hands or kiss their cheeks or say something brilliant like “Gosh! You’re like my sister! I so love you!”

The truth is I’m a really sensitive person. I just don’t like being touched. Not by the female or male population. Well except for my boyfriend. (Nor do I say I love you just for the sake of saying it. When I say I love you, it means that I really do or I’m thankful of what you did for me.) I mean literally. Perhaps I wasn’t able to explain that very well…

I would state an example. Let’s say that it’s New Year and I’m at a friends place with his family. At the count of midnight where it marks the New Year, they kiss, hug and greet each other while I sit on the couch just silently smiling while I watch them do all that. That doesn’t mean that I’m a cold b*tch who doesn’t want to have to do anything with them. It just means that I find joy in watching them and that…I don’t like being touched by people (even “if” it is my own mom). It would feel awkward to me but it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them. It doesn’t mean that I will not miss them if they leave or if I don’t see them.

If I were a guy, it wouldn’t be such a huge issue. But since I am a girl, expected by society to be “sweet” and emotional and “showy” with my feelings, when I refuse to hug someone or (just an example) my best friend on New Year most people will think that I’m this stiff person.

By acting the way I do, I know I have lost some people who could be potential friends. And even though I’d love to say that if they didn’t understand the way I am, they don’t deserve to be my friends, it depresses me. Yes depressing is the term. It just doesn’t sadden me, it’s actually depressing. Why? Because some people that I have lost have been actually my friends and they just didn’t know that I am the way I am. Am I wrong here?

You may ask why it is related to that of what happened a year ago. It is somehow linked but if I chose to elaborate, I would have to tell you everything and I don’t want to (not entirely). But tell you what – If you understand the way I am and you have been in my situation and you have lost friends the way I did or simply want to be my friend casting aside all the trust issues that I (perhaps you too) have, then I might just tell you what it’s about.

~ by TM on January 7, 2011.

2 Responses to “A year since I last ate Mac and Cheese”

  1. i’m sorry for whatever happened. reading between the lines i can tell its not good. everyone has the right to establish boundaries where they feel comfortable and for some people that is in a different place then most. people may not understand but you are just acting on a basic assertive right. nice post, thanks for sharing.

    • thanks for the comment. it’s really good to know that someone understood even if i didn’t post the whole thing that happened…

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